


Futility

by Nerdanel



Series: Clamp Stuff [2]
Category: CLAMP - Works, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: M/M, These Idiots, mostly Fai though, now with a helping of porn, plenty of angst, tiny bit of KuroFai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:24:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6294907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdanel/pseuds/Nerdanel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's midnight; they are having a drink together yet again and Fai's an idiot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“What were you going to do with your life if you had never come on this journey, Kuro-rin?”

 

Kurogane pauses mid-sip, lowering his sake cup to look at his companion. They are staying at a _ryoukan_ , in a country that resembles his _Nihon_ , as if it were the future. There is familiar architecture all over the place, but it’s apparently all ancient. Kurogane feels strangely nostalgic anyway.

 

He misses Tomoyo.

 

“Why do you want to know?” He asks suspiciously. It isn’t like the mage to be so curious about someone else, even now after they have been through so many things together. He’s no longer extremely standoffish, and he doesn’t force himself to smile when he doesn’t feel like, not much has changed.

 

“Just curious, Kuro-pon.” Fai pouts at him, leaning forward on his elbows and resting his chin in his hands.

 

“If that’s really the case,” Kurogane relents and leans back, lifting his cup and resuming his previously interrupted imbibing again. “I’m not sure. I guess I expected to end up at Suwa at some point in time, get a wife and rebuild it to its former glory.”

 

Fai raises an eyebrow and takes a swig of his own drink before making a comment. “Hyuu, I never pegged Kuro-tan as having such mundane dreams. You are so violent usually that I expected you to be wanting to be slaughtering men well into your old age.”

 

“And end up dying?” Kurogane counters. “I’m not stupid, mage, despite whatever you may think of me.”

 

“I have never thought of you as stupid,” Fai says, his voice completely serious and Kurogane doesn’t doubt him.

 

He scratches his cheek and looks at the clear liquid in his cup. If he could only sit under a _sakura_ tree in full bloom right now...

 

“Protecting Tomoyo and finding who killed my parents was always my first priority,” he resumes speaking, staring at the table and yet not seeing it. His vision is filled with fire and blood, ears ringing with screams of people dying all around him. “But Tomoyo sent me away and I’ve already dealt with my revenge, so...”

 

“So Kuro-sama doesn’t know what to do with his life anymore?” There’s an amused twinkle in Fai’s eyes and Kurogane resents it to the core.

 

“Does it matter?” He grouses and crosses his arms. “I’m still young and we’re probably going to continue our journey for a long time still. No point in thinking too much about the future.”

 

“Waah~ Kuro-rin lives in the present. So admirable!” Fai crows and beams at him. Kurogane simply ignores him in favour of more _sake_.

 

“What kind of a woman was Kuro-tan planning to marry, I wonder?” Fai muses aloud after a few minutes of blessed silence.

 

Kurogane chokes a little and sends a acidic glare in Fai’s direction, but as expected it has no affect on the idiot. Fai just grins harder.

 

“I don’t know,” Kurogane mumbles, feeling his cheeks heat a little. “I don’t know – it might sound weird, but someone as kind and gentle as my mother, perhaps? When I was a child, I thought my parents would just find me a _miko_ like her. Is it strange?”

 

Fai shakes his head. “Kuro-tan had really good parents, didn’t he?” His face is a little wistful when he says that and Kurogane feels discomfort pool in his gut. He hasn’t forgotten.

 

Talking about the past has never helped anyone, so he doesn’t understand the mage’s insistence on holding onto it sometimes. He makes a gruff noise and pours himself another drink.

 

“Do you still think that?” Fai asks before he’s done with the next cup. Kurogane wants to groan. It’s as if the idiot won’t let him drink in peace today at all.

 

“Think _what_?” He asks, displeased.

 

“Wanting to find a priestess for a wife and rebuilding your country.”

 

“Of course, idiot,” Kurogane says, since it’s a foregone conclusion. He’s definitely going to restore Suwa, make the Shirasagi Castle his home again and live out the rest of his days there, protecting the land that his parents had died to protect.

 

“Oh,” Fai says and falls silent. He has a tight-lipped smile, the kinds of which Kurogane hasn’t seen for _years_ now and it stirs discomfort in Kurogane’s chest.

 

He’s usually good at reading Fai’s moods, but right now he has no idea why the mage –

 

Ah, _ah_ , of course.

 

 _Fai has no home to return to_.

 

“You could, uh,” Kurogane pauses, averts his eyes as embarrassment claims him again. “You could come live with me? If you’d like to.”

 

“And for what purpose would I go live with you?” Fai asks, voice sharp and thin. There’s no mirth on his face now, and yet it’s an improvement for the grimace-like smile he sported before.

 

Kurogane doesn’t know. He also doesn’t know what to say. Why would he offer Fai his home? Usually, Kurogane is an intensely private man. Even after so long, his travelling companions – his family – don’t know his real name. A long, long time ago, when he offered his services to Tomoyo, he also offered her his real name – instead taking on his father’s name. Only Tomoyo may call upon his real name, since it belongs to her, just like his body and soul.

 

But...

 

 _Because you’re family_. _Because you’re important – to us; to me_. That’s not something he can say to Fai. He can barely even admit it to himself – the idea of telling Fai such things is too mortifying.

 

“If pity is what drives you, _Kurogane_ – ” And Kurogane flinches because Fai’s usually mellow tone is hard as nails now. “ – you can spare me the unnecessary sentimentality.”

 

Fai _has_ changed. He doesn’t show this side to the kid or the princess, neither does he act cold towards Kurogane, but there are times when he would become completely unapproachable, and this is one of those times. Kurogane knows he has to tread very carefully, or else he’d lose something precious.

 

Like Fai.

 

He does _not_ want to go through that ordeal again.

 

“It’s not pity.”

 

“Then what is it?” Fai asks in a low tone. He’s no longer drinking; his cup hangs from his fingers, empty, just like the look in his vibrant blue eyes.

 

“Because,” Kurogane begins, pauses, struggling for words because how _can_ he quantify what Fai means to him? That time in Ceres, when Tomoyo whispered to him what could be Fai’s salvation, Kurogane hadn’t felt even a moment’s hesitation in severing his arm. He would have severed his both hands, if it saved Fai. And that was only a fraction of how important Fai was.

 

Kurogane cannot trace the trajectory of his emotions, where dislike and annoyance melted into fondness, when did the irritation at that fake smile morph into an intense desire to see the _real_ smile hidden behind that sorrowful mask? How can he make Fai see what he sees when he looks at the mage?

 

Someone so precious that Kurogane was willing to be his only means of sustenance?

 

Fai’s eyes are chips of blue ice. His face is pinched and the line of his mouth is severe enough to cut through Kurogane, making him finally _understand_. It seems that the entire night had been leading up to this – the mage had picked this fight on _purpose_.

 

“Because I want you by my side,” Kurogane says, because this must be really important to Fai. He has shown through his actions, time and again, just what Fai is to him, but if the idiot needs words, Kurogane will give him them, even if it’s difficult.

 

Fai does not speak. There is a quaint stillness to him, though, as if he can’t quite believe his ears and doesn’t know how to react.

 

So Kurogane ploughs on: “The kids have each other. The white bun has the black bun and that other kid at the shop. Everyone has someone they want by their side. For me, it is you. It has got to be you. If you have a problem with that, I won’t force you. You can still always come live in _Nihon_ , no matter when or where.”

 

 _Even if not by my side, let me protect you_. _Let me be protected by you_.

 

Fai blinks and lowers his gaze. He looks pale – paler than usual and a fine tremor passes through his slim frame. Then he snaps his head up with an inane smile plastered on his face. “Haha, Kuro-daddy makes it sound like he wants me to be his wife instead!”

 

Kurogane considers it briefly. “That sounds a better idea than mine. You can just be my wife.”

 

Fai is silent again, before a rueful look crosses his face. “I’m a man, Kuro-tan.”

 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed. I don’t mean wife as my woman, idiot. I mean a partner. Someone who can protect the land with me. Someone who has my back and can keep everything I love and cherish safe. Like the way my mother protected my father’s land, the way she laid her blessings on him – the way she was always there for him. He wouldn’t have been as great a man if she hadn’t been there. She didn’t need him, but he certainly needed her.”

 

The unspoken comparison probably didn’t escape the mage’s notice. Fai may not need Kurogane, but –

 

“Kuro-sama – ” Fai’s voice is barely above a whisper. His beautiful eyes are wide and the slant of his mouth is so vulnerable that Kurogane’s chest aches.

 

He pulls his chair closer, takes a soft blond lock in his hand and presses his lips to it. The gesture is familiar to him – he had seen his father do it to his mother often, and his mother always had her happiest smile when he would do that. He wants Fai to smile like that at him, but maybe it’s too much to hope at this point.

 

This close Fai smells faintly like vanilla and chocolate – he must have been baking – and Kurogane inhales deeply. He doesn’t like sweet things still, and Fai is _anything_ but sweet. He lets the soft hair slip through his fingers like liquid silk, stands up because he doesn’t think he can drink any more tonight.

 

“You don’t have to, of course. Just – just know that my home will always be your home too, if you should so choose.” Fai doesn’t look at him when Kurogane speaks to him, and Kurogane quashes the sudden sting of pain and walks out of the room, satisfied and yet not. He thinks it would be okay though, because the mage is slow when it comes to emotions. He will come around, probably. And if he doesn’t, well, this won’t be the first time Kurogane has put up with being discarded by the person he cares about the most.

 

It’s just that practice doesn’t make perfect in this case.


	2. Part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To have Fai by his side for the rest of his life – it is not too extravagant a wish to be granted. And yet Fai chooses to make it so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two, now with some porn!
> 
> ~~I wasn't going to continue this, I swear, but I felt bad for leaving it on a sad note.~~

Fai lies on the bed, face down, loose limbed and soft in his sleep when Kurogane finally returns to their assigned room. In their earlier days of travelling, he and Fai would often room together to save money and it’s a hard habit to break now. Nor does Kurogane want to break it, in any case.

 

He turns off the light and slides into the adjacent bed, turning resolutely _away_ from where Fai’s sleeping, not two feet away from where he is. He can feel Fai’s breath stir the air around him, the warmth of it settling on Kurogane’s arm that is closest to Fai’s face. It’s suddenly hard to breathe.

 

_What_ had driven him to say all of those things to Fai tonight? Not that he regrets any of it, but it’s hard to face him after being pushed away so thoroughly. It’s not like he hadn’t expected it, and that’s precisely the reason he’d refused to voice his unconscious desire. To have Fai by his side for the rest of his life – it is not _too_ extravagant a wish to be granted. And yet Fai chooses to make it so.

 

Kurogane sighs and burrows deeper into the bedding, trying to smother himself and his embarrassment alongwith. Well, whatever. He’s been through a lot worse when it comes to this particular mage.

 

Sighing unhappily some more, Kurogane puts his arm over his eyes and closes them shut. This is a peaceful country and if not for Syaoran getting interested in its history – this isn’t the first Tokyo they have visited, after all – they would have already been on their way. Kurogane can let his guard down and rest, though a part of him will always be on the watch.

 

Still.

 

Sleep comes to him in increments, weighing down his eyelids and he allows it to claim him. Maybe tomorrow they could go visit that tower he keeps hearing about…

 

A hand slides gently into his hair and startles him awake just as he’s on the edge, though he’s careful not to move when it happens. He remembers to keep breathing – he _is_ a ninja, and ninja don’t get caught unawares, damnit. He’s not that alarmed, however, considering that this appendage could only belong to one person. The person next to him: closest and dearest.

 

Fai shuffles from his bed and climbs into his and Kurogane feels his body warmth sear into his skin under the thin pyjamas they’d worn to bed. The _stupid_ mage settles next to him, wraps an arm around Kurogane’s middle and rests his face on Kurogane’s shoulder, laughing softly.

 

“I know you’re awake, Kuro-pin, there is no point in trying to deceive me.”

 

“What are you doing?” Kurogane snaps, but he doesn’t do anything to push Fai away. This is the first time Fai has come to him on his own volition – Kurogane would be a fool to push him away.

 

Fai hums softly, sending shivers down Kurogane’s spine as their bodies are pressed flush together. A strange heat twists in his stomach and he tries not to stiffen, though another part of him is starting to and he hopes to god that Fai doesn’t notice.

 

“What does it look like?” It’s too dark to see Fai’s expression, but Kurogane’s sure it’s full of mischief.

 

“I don’t _know_ ,” Kurogane growls dangerously. “What _are_ you doing?”

 

Fai answers him by pressing his lips on Kurogane’s pulse point and robbing him both of breath and reason. His slender, talented fingers slip under the thin cotton of Kurogane’s sleepwear and trace inane patterns on his skin and his hips press firmly against Kurogane’s backside, leaving no doubt as to what his attentions are.

 

“What does it look like _now_?” Fai’s voice is dark and rich, like the sweet chocolate cakes he keeps feeding them, much to Kurogane’s annoyance. Right now, though, it only stokes the flames of Kurogane’s desires and he cannot help pressing back. Fai smiles into his neck. “Seems like you finally got the idea.”

 

Kurogane clenches his fists, then unclenches them and grabs Fai’s wrist, arresting the movement that was definitely moving south. “Okay, let me ask you this instead: _why_ are you doing this?”

 

“Well, Kuro-myu, I’ve got an itch to scratch and you do seem rather interested –”

 

“You are not a cat and I’m not a scratching post, you idiot,” Kurogane turns around to glower at Fai in the dark. He catches the sight of luminous eyes and feels breathless for a second – only for a second, though. “Either be honest or go to sleep. In your own bed.”

 

Fai is silent for a long time, making Kurogane reconsider his harsh tone and maybe he could have been a little gentler. But then his ears fill with the sound of a tinkling laughter and Fai shakes against him, though Kurogane can’t tell whether it’s from amusement or not.

 

“You never say the things I expect you to say,” Fai tells him and looks down. “I want this. Do you want me, too, Kuro-pin?”

 

Kurogane silences him with a kiss.

 

It takes a moment for Fai to understand, and when he does, he kisses Kurogane back with a hunger that takes him by surprise. Fai’s lips are demanding and his tongue is relentless as it invades his mouth, steals his breath and tangles with his own. Kurogane is just able to groan and get swept away by Fai’s pace.

 

Kurogane doesn’t understand.

 

He softens the kiss, cradling the back of Fai’s neck with his hand and licks at Fai’s mouth, trying to reassure him or calm him down, he doesn’t know. His hands are gentle on Fai’s body and he tugs him closer, not letting him go at all.

 

Fai allows him this. He fists his hands in Kurogane’s shirt and pulls on it insistently. Kurogane, in turn, obliges him by undoing his buttons and shrugging out of the material without releasing Fai’s mouth. The cold air of the room feels so good against his overheated skin, and he makes a noise of appreciation in Fai’s mouth and pushes him into the mattress, all but tearing at his clothes.

 

They break the kiss after the clothes are all in shreds and hastily take them off, before revisiting each other’s mouth with renewed vigour. There is no need for words, and every time Kurogane sees the mage’s mouth move – probably to spout some stupid bullshit – he covers it again with his own and swallows it all down.

 

Now, Kurogane has never really had sex with a man, but since he is one, he can sort of intuit as to how to go about pleasing Fai. That’s very important, he feels. Making sure that by the time they are done, Fai’s just too boneless with pleasure to open his mouth and irritate him again. Though, he concedes that it’s not the only reason.

 

He trails his hand over Fai’s slender chest, fingers skipping over the raised flesh where his ribs can be felt through his skin – the man is far too thin for all the sweets he eats – and he cups a narrow hip, pulling it closer to himself. He’s pleased to note that Fai’s not unaffected – as if he could be.

 

“Wait,” Fai says suddenly, pulling away from the kiss just as Kurogane’s hand reaches between Fai’s legs. “Wait,” he sounds so breathless. “Kuro –”

 

“What?” Kurogane asks, concerned, and makes no move to touch Fai again. “What happened?”

 

“Oh,” Fai says, licking his swollen lips – Kurogane’s eyes have adjusted to the low lighting and he’s always had good night vision, though he has never used it for such a thing before. “We would need some lubricant?”

 

“Ah,” Kurogane exhales and considers it. It’s all very tempting, but – “We don’t need it just yet.”

 

“No?” Fai asks slowly, blue eyes searching his as if he is teetering on the edge of some precipice.

 

“No,” Kurogane says firmly and lowers himself down until he’s fully seated between Fai’s legs. He pushes Fai’s smooth, lovely thighs apart and kisses Fai’s abdomen, making him jerk from shocked pleasure. He puts his tongue in Fai’s navel and swirls it around, holding Fai down by his hips. He doesn’t understand why Fai always wants to make everything so goddamned difficult when usually the best way is the simple one.

 

“K-Kuro-pon,” Fai’s voice breaks a little as Kurogane reaches down for Fai’s erection and licks it, tasting him for the first time. “What – what are you –?”

 

Kurogane doesn’t reply. Instead, he grabs Fai’s cock with his hand and directs it to his mouth, engulfing it with one smooth motion. It’s not as unpleasant as he would have thought – had he given it more than a fleeting thought. Kurogane has always been a man of action. Fai’s cock has a decent length, and as such a little hard to hold in his mouth, but Kurogane does his best. His tongue presses flat against the underside and he sucks on the tip, tasting the slightly bitter liquid beading at the top.

 

Fai makes a choked noise and writhes, sending a jolt of pleasure straight down to Kurogane’s groin. He presses his own erection into the bedding and continues sucking and licking at Fai’s cock. He doesn’t bother with technique – he doesn’t know much aside than knowing what he likes, but Fai seems to be really into it all the same. His fingers descend into Kurogane’s small hair and he pulls on it, gently at first, and then harder as his hips begin to thrust upwards in helpless motions.

 

Kurogane lets him go, wiping the saliva and fluids off his mouth with the back of his hand and stares at Fai intensely.

 

“Come here, please.” Fai beckons him to rest his weight on top of himself and Kurogane does.

 

He makes sure to be as careful as possible since he’s built large and Fai’s always so frail-looking, though Kurogane knows that isn’t the case, really. He props most of his weight on his elbows and hovers above Fai. Fai snorts softly and pulls him down until their bodies are so close together that he can feel Fai’s heartbeat – so _fast_ – through his skin.

 

“Was I awful?” Kurogane asks, reaching down to lick along the elegant line of Fai’s jaw and feels more than hear Fai’s answer giggle.

 

“No, no, not at all,” Fai replies as he grabs Kurogane’s ass, distracting him and making him gasp. “If you had gone on for a little bit longer, I would have just come right away.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Kurogane closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Fai’s cheek, letting the mage push their erections together and sliding against him. The friction is delicious; Fai’s cock is wet with precum and Kurogane’s saliva, a thought that makes his body sing with pleasure. Fai continues thrusting his hips up into Kurogane’s, moaning when the slip and slide of skin becomes too much to bear and it’s that more than the actual sensation of the act that brings Kurogane right to the brim. Fai is the first one to come, his come splattering all over Kurogane’s crotch and stomach and Kurogane spills right after, unable to hold out any longer.

 

Later, when Kurogane’s able to form cogent thoughts and rolls off Fai, he’s pulled into other kiss, far more languid than before and he doesn’t complain. Not at all.

 

Kurogane is the first to pull away and picks up his discarded shirt to wipe himself and Fai down. Fai watches him with indolent eyes and snuggles into Kurogane’s side when he lies back down. Kurogane sneaks his arm around Fai’s middle and buries his face into Fai’s soft hair. It smells like shampoo and faintly of sweat and Kurogane prefers that to the smell of chocolate and vanilla, but he won’t complain either way.

 

“You’re very warm, Kuro-rin,” Fai murmurs sleepily into Kurogane’s chest.

 

“Tch, of course, you idiot. I’m alive, aren’t I?”

 

Fai smiles, out of sight, and closes his eyes. His fingers skim along Kurogane’s prosthetic arm and linger over it, so hesitant that Kurogane wants to roll his eyes.

 

Kurogane grabs his palm and encloses it in his, squeezing his fingers slightly. “Sleep,” he says and Fai melts against him without a complaint. Kurogane follows him soon after, too tired to think about the complicated stuff yet considering he has a pliant and willing Fai right in his arms, right where he wants him. The rest can wait.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing KuroFai! I wanted to approach this pairing from a very realistic angle and I hope I succeeded at least a little? Maybe? Who knows!


End file.
